When I reflect on the past few months, there is so much that I can't even put into words that has occurred and impacted my life. I think that if I I guess I can kind of sum it up in a timeline as the easiest way to illustrate what has happened.
December 2010 - The end of the semester and my favorite time of the year - Christmas! That as the first semester in graduate school in which I felt very confident in my abilities. I feel like I did everything that was required of me at a higher level than I ever did. The funny thing is that I couldn't really tell you what classes I took! So sad I know! Another huge thing that happened was that my mother ended up in the hospital. Since her AD diagnosis many years ago, I think we have all been desensitized to her entry and exit of the hospital up until that point. However, my brother closest in age contacted me to tell me what was going on with her from New York. This is unusual. Normally, if serious, I would get a call from my oldest brother. Because I received a call from the younger brother, it made me anxious to see my mother. However, I ended up not doing so. Christmas came and went, as lovely as last year's.
January 2011 - I started a new semester again with the thought that the semester would be my last one of course work. It was a good start because my mother was out of the hospital too. So, it started as a hopeful semester - that is, until January 18, 2011. My mother passed away at around 11 am that morning. I was devestated. I felt guilty for not seeing her the month before. I took about 5 days off of school. Then I resumed. My younger brother wanted to have a memorial service for her in N.J at the end of February. I went back to school and did the best I could, but the momentum was no longer there.
February 2011 - I went back home after not seeing certain family members for a few years (around seven to be exact). It was a great time. I enjoyed the time spent and reconciled with my sister as well. I think my mother would have been proud of what all of us became if she knew and was aware of what we all became. It made me sad that she was unaware of her legacy.
March 2011 - I attended the SFAA conference at the end of the month. It was a fabulous time! We went to Seattle, WA and I roomed with some of my favorite gal pals - Heather, Ana Maria and Jenelle. It was great to be in a new city with some great people. I missed my family though. I presented my thesis findings at the conference, and it was well-received. I made a great contact out of Berkeley, CA and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. They urged me to finish my manuscript for my article. It was exciting.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011 - It was dead week at UA. The name of dead week definitely put new meaning to the scholastic event on campus. At about 5:13 pm, a deadly EF-4 tornado (radius 1/2 to 3/4 of a mile wide with winds of approximately 200 miles per hour hit the Tuscaloosa area. Additional tornados hit 5 other southern states. The last time I checked, the death toll was over 300 people with the most casualties coming out of the Tuscaloosa county area. This one event has left me dumb-founded, shocked and saddened. So many students and residents have been displaced. I heard yesterday that clean up ALONE will take two million dollars for Tuscaloosa. The devastation is unreal! I had the privilege of helping another student retrieve her belongings from her destroyed house. I also went to Charleston Square apartments to help a professor obtain his belongings. The destruction is massive and absolutely makes my heart ache for the people of Tuscaloosa. Despite my feelings of sorrow, the support for Tuscaloosa and for the state of Alabama has been tremendous! People from near and far have helped. The National Guard are here and President Obama has come to visit as well! In short, all I can say is what a lot of people have been saying: "WE ARE ALABAMA!"
Sunday, May 1, 2011 - President Obama declared that Osama bin Laden was killed in an American raid on his compound in Pakistan. The reaction to this was mixed. I found it funny that Obama waited for Donald Trump's the Apprentice to air his announcement. Is this revenge for requesting Obama's birth certificate? I wonder!
In short, this has been a crazy six months and about 10-20% of this post only has to do with school, so I'll add just a bit more on that subject.
I found out that I had to take 18 additional credit hours to fulfill my degree requirements since I'm getting a certificate in gender and race studies. I am not thrilled about this new development, but it allows me to take some more time to focus on everything equally and do a better job. So, I am off to read a book right now in the hopes that it will assist in creating a beautiful dissertation proposal. ROLL TIDE ROLL and WE ARE ALABAMA!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Friday, November 19, 2010
And it goes on and on and on....
I have a good friend in graduate school. I got in contact with her yesterday. She told me that this guy in our department, who obviously thinks he is more brilliant than he really is, got a grant that she did not get unfortunately. She found this out at a conference from another student in our department. This other student I have mentioned in the past. She has "white privilege" issues, and she is not a hard worker, although I think she knows what to say in order to convey that she is a hard worker to the right people (i.e. faculty). So, she tell my really good friend that this guy in the department who people think is a joke in more ways that one got this prestigious grant. But, "to add insult to injury" as my good friend so aptly put it, this sad excuse for a student stated, "Yeah, he got a grant and he isn't even doing original research like WE are." I had to emphasize "we" because of a few reasons which I will state.
First of all, this is the girl who joked that she is stealing my thesis research for her dissertation research, so how original is that really?
In addition, my friend's work is brilliant and original in every sense of the word. She decided to use methods and approaches not normally used in the department.
As if that statement wasn't bad enough, my good friend then told me that this girl's adviser stated, "You'll be next to receive the grant." Excuse me? And this is what has led me to my questioning of this whole process. In a perfect world, poor work, laziness, and mediocrity would not get rewarded, but here I am, and a perfect world is not where we live in. This is the world where if you look good on paper and you are what some call a "paper tiger", you can beat out the most hardworking individuals who really deserve the recognition and reward. I would love to think that this individual will get hers in the end based on her piss poor abilities and her poor reasoning for attending graduate school, but unfortunately, I could see her get this prestigious grant. It won't be because of who she is and her work, but because of her adviser.
All of this is unfortunate and sucks! It does go on and on and on.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Proving your worth...
Last Friday, I had to attend a mandatory writing workshop. I was absolutely prepared. I had articles read and critiqued. I read the articles well in advance, but I decided to critique them the day of the meeting so that I could review and keep the articles fresh in my mind. I was enthusiastic about the meeting and the article, considering the fact that I am interested in publishing my own article on my thesis findings.
However, upon meeting the faculty leader and peer mentor, my enthusiasm was lost. The peer leader injected his thoughts during a presentation which I found unnecessary given that during that part of the meeting, there were two presenters in the room already. Then, we finally broke out in groups to discuss these articles we had to read for this particular exercise. One was about doctoral attrition, which was fabulous. The other was about plagiarism, which in my opinion was not very good. I found the writer to lack in his ability to be straightforward and concise in a piece where only quantitative results (sprinkled with qualitative findings) that was several pages long.
Erroneously, I pointed out that the piece on plagiarism did not mention chi-square as part of the methods. I was corrected quickly by both the faculty leader and peer mentor. I didn't have an issue with that, but I guess once someone comes at me argumentative, then I have no use for you. I was annoyed that I was the only prepared student (including the peer mentor) and that I was able to contribute to the discussion, despite this minor faux pas on my part. I just decided to sit back and take it all in with an air of disinterest, because frankly, I think that bother the leader and mentor were far more impressed with themselves that I was with them. The other two students in the group did not read and were hanging on every word of these two, but personally, I got what I needed to come for in terms of critiquing an article. Even when I asked a valid question, the response seemed utterly archaic, and I left unimpressed.
This was the first time that I was in a group of black students and peers and felt very different and set apart from them, especially after I mentioned that I left a program at one point in time. The peer leader seemed like a total arrogant you know what. I'm not about fake folks. After her high and mighty act, she proceeded to tell me, "See you later." I was thinking in my mind, "yeah, whatever!"
Anyway, these kind of actions really solidify in my mind how far removed I am and continually want to be from academia. The words of my personal peer mentor ring in my ears constantly, "Arrogant people in academia are people who couldn't make it in other areas in life." Well, that about sums up my experience with this part of the workshop. Not only could they make it in other areas of life, but they don't realize how useless they become in the interim. I guess I have to find other ways of proving my worth!
I am fine with what I got out of the workshop other wise. I was taught how to edit and analyze writing, how to submit for publication, and how to write a manuscript. All in all, it was productive.
In more positive news, I will be mentioned in one of our academic newsletters. I actually submitted an essay that was not published, but some of my quotes will be mentioned which is fine. You have to start somewhere!
However, upon meeting the faculty leader and peer mentor, my enthusiasm was lost. The peer leader injected his thoughts during a presentation which I found unnecessary given that during that part of the meeting, there were two presenters in the room already. Then, we finally broke out in groups to discuss these articles we had to read for this particular exercise. One was about doctoral attrition, which was fabulous. The other was about plagiarism, which in my opinion was not very good. I found the writer to lack in his ability to be straightforward and concise in a piece where only quantitative results (sprinkled with qualitative findings) that was several pages long.
Erroneously, I pointed out that the piece on plagiarism did not mention chi-square as part of the methods. I was corrected quickly by both the faculty leader and peer mentor. I didn't have an issue with that, but I guess once someone comes at me argumentative, then I have no use for you. I was annoyed that I was the only prepared student (including the peer mentor) and that I was able to contribute to the discussion, despite this minor faux pas on my part. I just decided to sit back and take it all in with an air of disinterest, because frankly, I think that bother the leader and mentor were far more impressed with themselves that I was with them. The other two students in the group did not read and were hanging on every word of these two, but personally, I got what I needed to come for in terms of critiquing an article. Even when I asked a valid question, the response seemed utterly archaic, and I left unimpressed.
This was the first time that I was in a group of black students and peers and felt very different and set apart from them, especially after I mentioned that I left a program at one point in time. The peer leader seemed like a total arrogant you know what. I'm not about fake folks. After her high and mighty act, she proceeded to tell me, "See you later." I was thinking in my mind, "yeah, whatever!"
Anyway, these kind of actions really solidify in my mind how far removed I am and continually want to be from academia. The words of my personal peer mentor ring in my ears constantly, "Arrogant people in academia are people who couldn't make it in other areas in life." Well, that about sums up my experience with this part of the workshop. Not only could they make it in other areas of life, but they don't realize how useless they become in the interim. I guess I have to find other ways of proving my worth!
I am fine with what I got out of the workshop other wise. I was taught how to edit and analyze writing, how to submit for publication, and how to write a manuscript. All in all, it was productive.
In more positive news, I will be mentioned in one of our academic newsletters. I actually submitted an essay that was not published, but some of my quotes will be mentioned which is fine. You have to start somewhere!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
It has been almost a month!
So, it has been almost of month that I've posted anything. Where do I start???
Well, it hasn't been an easy month. I've had to learn about individuals who are egocentric and Eurocentric. I have had to learn how to play the graduate school game and learn all about lovely politics. (It's great, isn't it?!) I've had to read a lot of interesting stuff and yet again think of a million directions to go in for my dissertation project. I've met a shady character that made me go hmmmm! So, I'll discuss of these new developments briefly.
So, there are a couple of individuals in my department that really make me wonder. I've had several people ask me why I am a friend to one of these young ladies. There are things she has said in the past that are rather questionable. Racist really, but I think she is truly ignorant to this, which is difficult. So, she is Eurocentric in her assumptions which is disturbing to me as a minority. But, as if that isn't bad, our discipline requires to be culturally cognizant and aware. So, I'm not sure what all of that is about. In addition, she's lazy. I think she expects people to help her out for nothing, and that is crazy. One of my mentors told me that she asked her for contact information but only gave her a name to someone who might help. This mentor was suspicious that her project sounded oddly familiar - like mine! So, she refrained from giving her too much information. This is a dilemma for me because I do consider her a friend. Should I talk to her about her annoying habits or not? To do, or not to do, that is the question! I'm not sure it is worth it, because she seems clueless. So, I'll just look good in the meantime.
I have another friend who recently has a life change (marriage) and she has checked out! She doesn't really do much work according to reliable sources and she's just so enamored with the idea of being married that this institution has become her world. She was just complaining to me about her deadlines to get everything done. Will she cross the finish line? Doubtful. But, not my problem, so moving on...
Departmental politics - what an interesting dynamic. I experienced this briefly as I was building my dissertation committee recently. Let's just say that I learned that it is more important that the ethos of all the committee members should match up with each other to avoid conflict and that about 1% of the process is about you! As of yesterday, if I have any issues with my committee, it should be minimal. I was very careful and my advisor helped me with this process.
Reading more about my topic did not do anything for me yet. I haven't nailed anything down yet, so I've decided to read more broadly and hopefully things crystalize sooner than later.
Lastly, I volunteered at a function and it was interesting to find out that a student from a different state is using this area as her field site. She lived her before but decided to come back for reasons that were someone what surprising, but I won't elaborate on that point. I thought it was both interesting and awkward at how anxious that individual wanted to be my friend. It was strange really. Since I attract really needy people, I decided to get some background information on her. I was warned to be cautious. We will see what develops in that scenario. Hopefully not much.
So, that's this past month in a nutshell. I'll try to write once a week!
Well, it hasn't been an easy month. I've had to learn about individuals who are egocentric and Eurocentric. I have had to learn how to play the graduate school game and learn all about lovely politics. (It's great, isn't it?!) I've had to read a lot of interesting stuff and yet again think of a million directions to go in for my dissertation project. I've met a shady character that made me go hmmmm! So, I'll discuss of these new developments briefly.
So, there are a couple of individuals in my department that really make me wonder. I've had several people ask me why I am a friend to one of these young ladies. There are things she has said in the past that are rather questionable. Racist really, but I think she is truly ignorant to this, which is difficult. So, she is Eurocentric in her assumptions which is disturbing to me as a minority. But, as if that isn't bad, our discipline requires to be culturally cognizant and aware. So, I'm not sure what all of that is about. In addition, she's lazy. I think she expects people to help her out for nothing, and that is crazy. One of my mentors told me that she asked her for contact information but only gave her a name to someone who might help. This mentor was suspicious that her project sounded oddly familiar - like mine! So, she refrained from giving her too much information. This is a dilemma for me because I do consider her a friend. Should I talk to her about her annoying habits or not? To do, or not to do, that is the question! I'm not sure it is worth it, because she seems clueless. So, I'll just look good in the meantime.
I have another friend who recently has a life change (marriage) and she has checked out! She doesn't really do much work according to reliable sources and she's just so enamored with the idea of being married that this institution has become her world. She was just complaining to me about her deadlines to get everything done. Will she cross the finish line? Doubtful. But, not my problem, so moving on...
Departmental politics - what an interesting dynamic. I experienced this briefly as I was building my dissertation committee recently. Let's just say that I learned that it is more important that the ethos of all the committee members should match up with each other to avoid conflict and that about 1% of the process is about you! As of yesterday, if I have any issues with my committee, it should be minimal. I was very careful and my advisor helped me with this process.
Reading more about my topic did not do anything for me yet. I haven't nailed anything down yet, so I've decided to read more broadly and hopefully things crystalize sooner than later.
Lastly, I volunteered at a function and it was interesting to find out that a student from a different state is using this area as her field site. She lived her before but decided to come back for reasons that were someone what surprising, but I won't elaborate on that point. I thought it was both interesting and awkward at how anxious that individual wanted to be my friend. It was strange really. Since I attract really needy people, I decided to get some background information on her. I was warned to be cautious. We will see what develops in that scenario. Hopefully not much.
So, that's this past month in a nutshell. I'll try to write once a week!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Reflections
Some days, I just don't want to do this anymore. For different reasons, including family and additional obligations, I don't think that it is worth it sometimes. We got the departmental newsletter yesterday, and it made no mention of me getting my fellowship. Why not? I can't say that my motivation is impressing others, but why shouldn't I be recognized for my achievements, especially when my advisor is the editor of the newsletter. Is it because it's a minority fellowship? Is it because whispers around the department reflect "haters" and their desire to constantly say, "She's just lucky." Or, "She doesn't deserve the money. They only gave it to her because she's a minority." Well, it's sad that people's true colors are coming out. The imposter syndrome wells up within me, and I wonder if I am fooling people with what some would call my "pseudo-intelligence." Can you tell I've been battling these thoughts for a long time? Yeah, I have. But, I think that when all is said and done, I will keep going because I do what I have to do. Although sometimes I am not sure if it is worth it, seeing as I have to prove myself time and again to the people who say they support me in my face, but who are fake as hell in reality. Well, whatever. I'll take it as it comes I guess.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Results of Presentations and Other Stuff
So, I did my presentation, and it went very well. So many people were praying for my success including myself, and I know that is the only thing that kept my nerves in check. I got great feedback from people who I consider movers and shakers in the population I would like to explore, and for that, I am very fortunate.
Today, I am feeling a little overwhelmed and defeated though. I think it is difficult to try to stay focused on my coursework, while staying abreast of the literature in my prospective dissertation topic. I would love to spend all day pouring over the literature, making notes, educating myself on the reality of HIV/AIDS, but that's not possible at the moment. Today, after finishing an abstract on Darwin's Descent of Man, I attempted to refocus my attention to reading a thesis on HIV. Of course, my daughter, who is so adorable, had to interrupt that, but really, I didn't mind. I just have to take time out and give her the attention she deserves. But, it was just so difficult to refocus. And now, I am so unfocused that I go through all of these crazy thoughts of, "What am I doing here?" But, I just keep trucking along, because that is what I do. A professor told me today, "The more you know, the more confused you'll get." I guess knowledge is power, but a confusing type of power.
Anyway, there is a panel discussion on health disparities among Latinos which I will be attending. I am thankful for the little things that keep me going on this dissertation journey.
Today, I am feeling a little overwhelmed and defeated though. I think it is difficult to try to stay focused on my coursework, while staying abreast of the literature in my prospective dissertation topic. I would love to spend all day pouring over the literature, making notes, educating myself on the reality of HIV/AIDS, but that's not possible at the moment. Today, after finishing an abstract on Darwin's Descent of Man, I attempted to refocus my attention to reading a thesis on HIV. Of course, my daughter, who is so adorable, had to interrupt that, but really, I didn't mind. I just have to take time out and give her the attention she deserves. But, it was just so difficult to refocus. And now, I am so unfocused that I go through all of these crazy thoughts of, "What am I doing here?" But, I just keep trucking along, because that is what I do. A professor told me today, "The more you know, the more confused you'll get." I guess knowledge is power, but a confusing type of power.
Anyway, there is a panel discussion on health disparities among Latinos which I will be attending. I am thankful for the little things that keep me going on this dissertation journey.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Nervous about presentation today
Well, I made my case about the population I would like to study and why I would like to do so to a girl in my department. This girl is very active in this population, and so I requested some help in my quest for finding support. Well, she was very enthusiastic in her desire to help me. So much so, that she invited me to a meeting today at noon to present these ideas to some very influential people that can assist in this endeavor. Needless to say, my grassroots approach to this project (although I doubt it will ever see entry into my dissertation project) will hopefully inspire others to take the lead. At least that is what I am hoping anyway. I am quite nervous about this presentation, but I wanted a challenge and got one, so I can't complain really. Anyway, wish me luck!
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