Reflections

Some days, I just don't want to do this anymore.  For different reasons, including family and additional obligations, I don't think that it is worth it sometimes.  We got the departmental newsletter yesterday, and it made no mention of me getting my fellowship.  Why not?  I can't say that my motivation is impressing others, but why shouldn't I be recognized for my achievements, especially when my advisor is the editor of the newsletter.  Is it because it's a minority fellowship?  Is it because whispers around the department reflect "haters" and their desire to constantly say, "She's just lucky." Or, "She doesn't deserve the money.  They only gave it to her because she's a minority."  Well, it's sad that people's true colors are coming out.  The imposter syndrome wells up within me, and I wonder if I am fooling people with what some would call my "pseudo-intelligence."  Can you tell I've been battling these thoughts for a long time?  Yeah, I have.  But, I think that when all is said and done, I will keep going because I do what I have to do.  Although sometimes I am not sure if it is worth it, seeing as I have to prove myself time and again to the people who say they support me in my face, but who are fake as hell in reality.  Well, whatever.  I'll take it as it comes I guess.