Reflections

Some days, I just don't want to do this anymore.  For different reasons, including family and additional obligations, I don't think that it is worth it sometimes.  We got the departmental newsletter yesterday, and it made no mention of me getting my fellowship.  Why not?  I can't say that my motivation is impressing others, but why shouldn't I be recognized for my achievements, especially when my advisor is the editor of the newsletter.  Is it because it's a minority fellowship?  Is it because whispers around the department reflect "haters" and their desire to constantly say, "She's just lucky." Or, "She doesn't deserve the money.  They only gave it to her because she's a minority."  Well, it's sad that people's true colors are coming out.  The imposter syndrome wells up within me, and I wonder if I am fooling people with what some would call my "pseudo-intelligence."  Can you tell I've been battling these thoughts for a long time?  Yeah, I have.  But, I think that when all is said and done, I will keep going because I do what I have to do.  Although sometimes I am not sure if it is worth it, seeing as I have to prove myself time and again to the people who say they support me in my face, but who are fake as hell in reality.  Well, whatever.  I'll take it as it comes I guess.

Results of Presentations and Other Stuff

So, I did my presentation, and it went very well.  So many people were praying for my success including myself, and I know that is the only thing that kept my nerves in check.  I got great feedback from people who I consider movers and shakers in the population I would like to explore, and for that, I am very fortunate.

Today, I am feeling a little overwhelmed and defeated though.  I think it is difficult to try to stay focused on my coursework, while staying abreast of the literature in my prospective dissertation topic.  I would love to spend all day pouring over the literature, making notes, educating myself on the reality of HIV/AIDS, but that's not possible at the moment.  Today, after finishing an abstract on Darwin's Descent of Man, I attempted to refocus my attention to reading a thesis on HIV.  Of course, my daughter, who is so adorable, had to interrupt that, but really, I didn't mind.  I just have to take time out and give her the attention she deserves.  But, it was just so difficult to refocus.  And now, I am so unfocused that I go through all of these crazy thoughts of, "What am I doing here?"  But, I just keep trucking along, because that is what I do.  A professor told me today, "The more you know, the more confused you'll get."  I guess knowledge is power, but a confusing type of power.

Anyway, there is a panel discussion on health disparities among Latinos which I will be attending.  I am thankful for the little things that keep me going on this dissertation journey.

Nervous about presentation today

Well, I made my case about the population I would like to study and why I would like to do so to a girl in my department.  This girl is very active in this population, and so I requested some help in my quest for finding support.  Well, she was very enthusiastic in her desire to help me.  So much so, that she invited me to a meeting today at noon to present these ideas to some very influential people that can assist in this endeavor.  Needless to say, my grassroots approach to this project (although I doubt it will ever see entry into my dissertation project) will hopefully inspire others to take the lead.  At least that is what I am hoping anyway.  I am quite nervous about this presentation, but I wanted a challenge and got one, so I can't complain really.  Anyway, wish me luck!

New to Blogging

Well, either my graduate school or a student from my graduate school has a dissertation diary blog, and I thought that was a cool idea, especially since I am early in my dissertation planning.  I thought it would be great to see the evolution of my ideas as I went along, as they are changing on a daily basis.

So,  here I am, a new blogger, and I am trying to embrace the technology and learn more about blogging.  I think I will plan on also providing some helpful hints to surviving grad school along the way that I am slowly learning.

I hope that those that read this enjoy it!  Have a good day!